Primarily Crap

Some observations from “The Wizard Of Oz”

It is obvious that Miss Gulch is just a miserable wretch of a woman, but it is implied that Toto was left free to run through her garden on numerous occasions; which leads me to believe that Dorothy is just a rotten  brat of a little girl.

Miss Gulch riding her bike through the twister in Kansas is a far more terrifying sight than the Wicked Witch of the West riding her broom through the skies of Oz.

But the flying blue monkeys are the scariest ones of all. I’m convinced that if monkeys ever get wings our world is doomed.

Nowadays a Tin Man would never get caught off guard in a rain or snow storm and rust up. Actually, I guess that would really depend on which newscast he was watching.

Really, if you’re going to put a little dog into a wicker basket and not secure the cover, you have to know that it’s going to escape.

Speaking of wicker baskets, what’s with the little one that Dorothy carried with her throughout the entire movie? We know that it contained a picture of her and Auntie Em because Professor Marvel pulled it out while he was reading her fortune in the crystal ball. We also know that they used it to carry the oil can.

But there must have been more in there because they didn’t start putting the oil can in it until halfway through the movie and she certainly wasn’t using it just to carry the picture. It couldn’t have been food, because if it was she would have just pulled it out and ate it when she was hungry instead of trying to pick apples off the meanie trees. It couldn’t have been a change of clothes because the basket wasn’t big enough to carry that, especially with the oil can in there, unless it was just a change of underwear.

What else would you bring on your journey to see the wizard besides a couple of snacks and a change of underwear? I just don’t know, that would be enough for me. Whatever it was though, it must have been really important because the only time she put that basket down was to sing and dance, and she always picked it right back up when she was done.

And finally, if you were living in Kansas and you somehow managed to get yourself out, why the hell would you ever want to go back? Okay, so a land filled with evil witches, talking lions and crazy ass flying monkeys might not be the best place to live, but it’s gotta be better than Kansas.

I get it. You don’t want your kid to be like every other kid and a lot of times that starts with the name. I did it myself, at the time, the name Kyla seemed pretty uncommon so that’s what I named my daughter.

But “Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii“? Are you fucking kidding me? And that’s not even the worst one, it’s just the one the article is about. How about some of these doozies coming from New Zealand- Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy, Sex Fruit, and Number 16 Bus Shelter.

Fortunately, a judge was able to put a stop to most of this nonsense. But one kid was not so lucky, as for some reason he allowed “Number 16 Bus Shelter”. If you must name your kid after something that has meaning to you, how about a person who influenced your life? Or as lame as it is, I’m even willing to concede a song like Rhiannon or Maggie May, but not the fucking place where you catch the bus for work every morning. Or was that the place where the kid was conceived?

And speaking of children being conceived, Sex Fruit? These are people that I do not want to know.

I am not a fan of the common name and I vowed that none of my own kids would have them. There would be no John’s, Jim’s, Mary’s, or Mike’s. But given the choice between Susan or an item that’s usually found on a lunch menu, there really isn’t any choice at all. And if I was forced to go with the lunch item, I would take Surf and Turf over Fish and Chips.

Heard this song by The Presidents Of The United States Of America on my iPod today.

The lyric goes, “everybody wants to be naked and famous”.

I thought to myself, that’s not true, I don’t want to be famous.

I don’t give a crap if it was the 80’s, there was never a time when this was a good hair style. And there was never a good time to put out sucky music.

Unless, of course, you’re making us laugh with your sucky music.