Brooke Hogan Backs Dad, Slams Mom

This was a video headline on the Comcast.net homepage today.

I did not watch the video because I don’t give a crap, but when I saw the headline I thought “well duh, when your mom and dad are going through a nasty divorce, of course you’re going to back the one you’re screwing”.

Britannica Encyclopedia

I just found out that Britannica is still producing hardbound encyclopedia sets. I’m not kidding, look!

You can get the entire 32 volume set, containing over 65,000 articles covering almost any subject imaginable and updated in 2007 for under $1,300.00! Absolutely amazing!

And if you buy the set as an individual purchaser, not a school or library, you will automatically be signed up for their “Yearbook Privileges Program”. Every year you’ll receive advance notification of the newest yearbook. When your personal copy arrives, you’ll have 15 days to preview it. If you’re not absolutely delighted, simply return it within 15 days at their expense and you’ll owe nothing.

This offer is so exciting and so difficult to pass up that I just had to take this opportunity to pass it along.

In fact, I’m thinking that they are going to be selling so many copies that I should try to find a way to get myself a cut of the profits from every referral that comes from my blog. I should be a rich man in no time.

Organized

What do you do when you are 7 years old and you’re tired of finding your clothes in the wrong drawers after dad does the laundry? You label your drawers for the big dope.

Things I Don’t Understand

How do you drive 7 miles without noticing that you have a koala bear stuck in your grill?

Why Do I Have To Wear Pants?

Recently I’ve been trying to understand why it is that I can’t get away with not wearing pants when so many others have not only gotten away with it, but become big stars while doing it, or in this case, not doing it.

I mean look at this guy, beloved all over the world and he never wore pants.

Then there’s this guy, not quite as well known or loved world wide, but a giant here in the states, and no pants.

This guy was the coolest cat around back in his day, and yet pants were just not part of the attire.

Not only did this guy not wear pants, but he didn’t even bother with a shirt or a vest, he just put on a tie while he was out hunting for picinic baskets.

And then there’s this guy, no pants and he got to wear a gun belt, I mean, does it get any better than that? I don’t think so.

Those are just a few examples and there are plenty more of them. And yet if I were to walk around like that in public I would be frowned upon and even arrested. Sometimes life is just not fair.

My Nightmare

Last night I had a nightmare. I was sitting on a toilet in a public restroom having some problems doing my business. I know, although this may be a nightmare for many people, it’s really pretty commonplace for me, so what’s the big deal, right?

The big deal is that this public restroom was located on the first floor of a mental institution and I was a resident in one of the rooms above. When I was done with my business I went to the front desk and asked them if I was going to be released today. They said no. They did, however, let me go for a walk on the grounds by myself. I decided to take this opportunity to devise an escape plan.

As I walked the grounds I realized that escape was going to be nearly impossible, unless I was the Joker or Mr. Freeze, and I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be stuck here until they let me out. I was given the impression that that was not going to be anytime soon and I really had no idea why I was even in there in the first place.

I came back inside and got on the elevator to go back up to my room. When the doors opened, I stepped out of the elevator and into a stop on an underground subway. Then I woke up.

Happy Independence Day

On July 2, 1776 a group of British citizens, representing all thirteen American colonies, who had been convened in Philadelphia for over a year debating what to do about their oppressive government, finally decided that it was time to say “screw them”. They spent the next couple of days making changes to Thomas Jefferson’s draft of the Declaration of Independence and on July 4, 1776, 232 years ago today, they made it official.

Although things started off roughly as they spent the next 20 years or so fighting off the British and establishing their own government, eventually it all smoothed over and for about the next 200 years it seemed to be working out relatively well.

But over the last 7+ years, I often find myself wondering if they made the right decision back then, because clearly the majority of the American people do not have a fucking clue about how to elect a president who has a fucking clue about how to run a country.

When the Founding Fathers decided to say “screw the English government, we’ll do it our own way”, they couldn’t have possibly ever imagined that we would end up with a ruler who basically said, “screw the American people, I’ll do it my own way”.

Nevertheless, today we celebrate the birth of a once great nation. Here’s to hoping that we can one day get back to that greatness.

Happy Independence Day.

RIP Madam Marie

The woman who saw the future of rock ‘n’ roll long before John Landau has died at age 93. Madam Marie was a well known fortune teller in Asbury Park for decades, but Bruce Springsteen fans know her from one of his classics “4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)”:

Did you hear the cops finally busted Madam Marie for tellin’ fortunes better than they do

Legend has it that she predicted Bruce would be famous way back when he was still milling around the Jersey shore and playing in bands such as Steel Mill, Child, and Dr. Zoom and the Sonic Boom. It wasn’t until a few years later that music critic (and future Springsteen manager) John Landau saw him playing in a small bar in Harvard Square and scribed the now famous words “I have seen the future of rock ‘n’ roll and it’s name is Bruce Springsteen”.

It was certainly a bold statement to make, but what Landau didn’t know at the time was that it was already in the cards.

RIP Madam Marie

Things I Really Like

This is going to be a new category on Primarily Crap. It’s basically some of the simple things in life that make me happy. I’ll post them as they come up. Here is the first entry:

I really like it when the song I’m listening to in the car comes to an end at the exact moment that I arrive at my destination.

Have A Nice Day

I have some issues with this term. The first one is that I believe most people who say it to me do not actually mean it. It’s just something they say to end my transaction with them and they really don’t give a crap how the rest of my day goes. I don’t believe in saying things that I don’t really mean so let’s be honest here, you don’t care how the rest of my day goes so don’t tell me to have a nice one. If you feel you must say something at the end of our transaction then a simple thanks or goodbye will suffice.

Then there is the minority who actually do mean it, or at least claim that they do. If this is the case, then what exactly do you mean by it. If you’re someone who I see on some sort of regular basis, whether it be the pharmacist, the guy at the gas station, the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker, and you’re telling me to have a nice day, then what about all the days until my next visit? You want me to have a nice day on that particular day that I see you, but is that the only day that should be nice? Should all the rest of my days until I see you next be shitty? You might as well just say “have a shitty week” because that’s what you’re implying.

And what about people who say it to me that I’m never going to see again? These people are basically telling me to have a shitty life. They may as well just tell me to fuck off, at least then I will know exactly what they mean.

So the next time you find yourself about to tell someone to have a nice day, think twice about exactly what it is that you actually want to say.